Evolution
by Doctor Strangelove
Summary: Crossover with Cavemen. A radioactive man and a caveman bond over new frontiers, mistaken identities, and frozen yogurt. Slash. Ted!Andy


Ted had to admit that helping Bennet take down the Company he worked for did a few payoffs in the end. Being alive, for one. Ted was very fond of that. And Bennet had used some of his contacts to help Ted hide out from the FBI, and had even helped him relocate always to San Diego, which Ted was less fond of. It was too bright, for one thing. And the people were far too chipper for Ted's liking, but, to date, no one had attempted to eat his brain, which is always a good thing. He even had a bus pass and a nice, tiny apartment where his bed folded out of the wall. Yes, Ted was certainly living the glamorous life now.

There were a few aspects of his new life that even a grouch like Ted had to admit to liking. The one bright spot in his dismal days was Fruitberry. Ted had never really been one for frozen yogurt in his previous life, but the product Fruitberry served was so addictive Ted wouldn't be surprised to find out it was laced with nicotine. Not that that would stop him from eating it. Unfortunately, Ted was not the only person in San Diego who felt this way, and he often found himself in the situation he was in now, namely waiting in a ridiculously long line. Lines that, unfortunately, were filled with people.

"God, I love this frozen yogurt."

_Fantastic,_ Ted thought as the man standing in front of him spoke, _maybe if I look over here and put my best scowl on he won't keep trying to talk to him_.

"Like, I _really_ love this yogurt."

_No such luck._

The man turned his head around, nodding and smiling at Ted, "Don't you love this yogurt?"

_Curt answers. Don't instigate a conversation._ "Yeah," Ted grunted, a frown on his face and his eyes pointed elsewhere.

"I'm Andy," a wide smile on his face as he extended his arm out.

"Ted" came the reply, frown on his face and hands firmly rooted in his pockets.

Andy waited a few seconds before sheepishly pulling his arm back, "Sorry if I'm bugging you. I just get really excited whenever I eat here. I talk a lot when I get excited. And I really like talking about how much I love Fruitberry. Especially with other cavemen."

_Here we go_. Ted had of course noticed that Andy was a caveman. It would've been hard not to notice. The slopping brow, mane of hair, and Abercrombie polo were dead giveaways. Ted had nothing against cavemen. Karen's maid of honor had been a cavewoman. There was just one issue that Ted hated having to deal with, and it seemed to come up every time he was in a caveperson's company.

"I'm not a caveman."

"What?"

Ted sighed and turned to face Andy, "I'm not a caveman."

Andy's face flushed red, "Oh, wow, I'm sorry, I just thought… With the hair and everything. Plus the whole surly disposition, and you grunted."

"Not everyone that grunts is a caveman."

"I know that, it's just, all of those things together. Really sorry." Andy turned around in shame before quickly spinning to face Ted again, "Do you have any caveman in you at all, like a grandfather or something, 'cause really, I mean, the resemblance is uncanny."

"No."

"Wow. Okay. The flannel really adds to it, by the way. I mean, my brother has the shirt you're wearing in like three different colors."

"It's fine. Happens all the time," Ted barked out quickly. Andy seemed like a nice guy, if not far too chipper for Ted's tastes, but was really in the mood to get his yogurt and leave, not stand around all day having conversations he'd had many times in the past.

"I bet it does. It's crazy. Have you thought about changing your hair or anything?"

Ted was beginning to get hungry and a little irritated, "Just because other people mistake me for something I'm not, doesn't mean I should have to change how I want to dress or look."

"Oh, yeah, you're right. Sorry, I didn't mean to say-"

"Can I help the next customer?"

_Oh thank God._ Ted offered up a silent prayer as Andy stepped up to give the cashier his order._ Conversation over now I can my yogurt and leave. _Andy received his yogurt and stepped aside as Ted walked up to the counter, "Vanilla with strawberries."

The cashier offered up an apologetic smile, "Sorry, but we're all out of strawberries. The previous customer got the last of them."

Ted turned to face Andy who offered a shamed grin and reached into his own bowl of yogurt, pulling out a handful of strawberries, "You can have some them."

Ted rubbed his temples in frustration, his day was not going as he had planned, and turned back to the cashier, "Granola instead."

"Here," Andy clamored, frantically putting down his own yogurt and reaching for his wallet, "let me buy it for you."

"You don't have to do that," Ted sighed. Did Andy not realize that being a nice guy just made Ted feel like a worse one for being irritated at him, which in turn just made Ted more irritated?

"No," he said, shoving a handful of dollar bills at the cashier, "I insist."

"Fine. Thanks."

As Andy took his receipt and walked away, Ted began to think that maybe his day was turning around. Sure, he'd had his heart set on strawberries, but delicious yogurt is delicious yogurt, and free is the most delicious flavor of all. His mood quickly took a downward shift yet again when he realized there were no empty tables. There was however a table occupied by a lone caveman who was giving Ted a timid wave.

"I'm only sitting here because they won't let me eat this on the bus," he groaned as he sat in the chair opposite of Andy.

"That's cool. I thought I could offer since you didn't have anywhere else to sit, plus I took all the strawberries. You sure you don't want some?" Ted shook his head as Andy pulled more fruit out of his yogurt.

"No. I'm fine." Andy nodded and the two men sat in an awkward silence before Ted decided that since Andy had been nice enough to buy his yogurt and offer him a place to eat it, the least he could do was make conversation. "So you think it's my clothes that make people think I'm a caveman?"

Andy's face lit up at the prospect of conversation, "Mostly the hair, actually. And the frown. You've sort of got this whole disposition that plays to caveman stereotypes. Not that it's a bad thing to look like a caveman. I'm actually pretty fond of them myself."

Ted smirked slightly (the closest thing he usually got to a full blown smile), and was surprised that he found himself warming up to his new companion, "My wife thought I was a caveman the first night we met. Truth be told, I think that's why she went out with me."

"My brother's girlfriend has a full on caveman fetish. They're sweet though. His roommate doesn't approve. He's got this whole thing about humans and cavemen dating. 'Keep your penis in your genus,' is what he always says."

"Humans and cavemen are the same genus."

"See, that's what I always thought. I guess there's just a catchy rhyme for the real thing. There's no euphemism for genitals that rhymes with species."

Ted grinned, "Shame."

"I know," Andy laughed, "the only thing better than catchy sayings of intolerance are ones you can back up with scientific fact."

"I've always thought so. What is your opinion on interspecies dating?"

Andy shrugged, "I don't know. Never really saw what the big deal was." Andy finished off his yogurt, but remained seated at the table, engrossed in his conversation with Ted. "For what it's worth, I think you wear the whole look well, even if people think it makes you look like a caveperson."

"Thanks," Ted said sarcastically.

"No, really, I mean the flannel shirt is very flattering on you."

"Uh-huh."

"And your hair frames your face nicely and brings out your strong jawline."

"Are you hitting on me?"

"What?" Andy sputtered, completely taken aback both by Ted's question, and the fact that he asked it so nonchalantly. "Didn't you say you were married?"

"Widower."

"Ah," Andy whispered. He was very flustered, and it didn't help that Ted seemed to be perfectly at ease having this conversation in a crowded yogurt shop where anyone might overhear. "I was just trying to be nice. You seemed like such a bummed out guy. You and me? Like that? I mean, I've never even… I don't usually go in for that sort of stuff. Do you?"

Ted shrugged, "Once or twice in college. Then I got married, so no, not in a long while. It was just a simple question, Andy, you don't have to get so worked up over it."

"I'm worked up!" Andy said, in a voice a few shades too loud. He gave an embarrassed wave to the other patrons that looked over at him before leaning towards Ted and whispering, "I mean, I don't even know exactly how that would work."

"It works pretty much the same as what you're used to."

Andy nodded, "I guess that makes sense. I was just a little taken aback by the question."

"You haven't said no."

Andy gulped and laughed nervously, "No, it's not that I…" his voice lowered again, "I mean, sure, I've been a little curious, and you seem like a nice guy, but it's just… Should we be talking about this sort of thing in such a public place?"

"It's San Diego. They're pretty open-minded."

"Okay then," Andy leaned in close to Ted, continuing to whisper, "I might be sort of willing to maybe kind of try it out, I guess."

"Alright," Ted closed the gap between the two of them by planting a brief but firm kiss on Andy's lips. Andy moaned in surprise before closing his eyes and quickly and sloppily returned Ted's kiss.

"Wow," Andy whispered as they pulled apart. He gave a quick glance around the yogurt shop, but none of the other patrons seemed to be paying any attention to anything he and Ted were doing.

"You taste like strawberries," Ted licked his lips, "and Doritos."

"I like the nacho ones," Andy tried to suppress the schoolboy grin that was spreading across his face, "I've never kissed a human before."

"How was it?"

"Just like kissing a caveman."

"You're a sloppy kisser."

"Oh, yeah, I kinda drool when I'm nervous. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," Ted gestured with his spoon at the two empty yogurt containers on the table and raised one eyebrow suggestively at Andy, "So, seconds?"

"Hell yeah," Andy grabbed the two bowls from the table and excitedly raced to get back in line. Ted leaned back in his chair and felt a small grin begin to form on his face.

Maybe San Diego wasn't so bad after all.


End file.
